Crashing
by jade isabelle
Summary: and then he's crashing, his walls breaking. blaineandkurt
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

He walks through the door of the Lima Bean.

The smell of coffee greets him as soon as he steps in, and it smells good (not that he would drink any), but it isn't as good as the sight of Kurt, who he hasn't seen in months.

He smiles in greeting, and walks over to the table, sliding into the seat across from Kurt. He takes off his jacket, revealing a dark blue polo.

"You look thin," Kurt tells him and he isn't sure how to respond, so he nods.

The conversation is awkward, and Blaine feels uncomfortable and Kurt looks like Blaine feels.

"How long are you staying?" Kurt asks, and the question sounds somewhat rude to Blaine's ears, but he plays it off like it doesn't bother him.

"I'm here for the week," he says, glancing up at Kurt. "I've only got a few weeks left until graduation."

Kurt nods, heaving a sigh. "It's weird. Who would've guessed we'd both end up back in Lima after college?"

Blaine shrugs, shaking his head, smiling slightly and feeling a bit more comfortable.

"Do you want a coffee?" Kurt asks. "You love the coffee here," he smiles, trying to keep the mood light, but for Blaine, the question causes a sense of panic.

Kurt sees his eyes go wide at the thought of coffee, or rather, his usual medium drip.

"Uh, I'm okay, Kurt. I ate on the plane. I'm full, can't eat another bite," he says laughing as realistically as he can, while his insides squirm and his stomach rumbles.

He shifts in his seat, while Kurt looks at him, a worried expression on his face.

"Blaine, are you okay?" he asks hesitantly.

"Fine," he says, nodding fervently. "Never better," he continues, glancing up at Kurt.

Kurt nods slowly in return, but Blaine can tell that he sees through the lie.

"You should eat something," Kurt tells him. "You've lost a lot of weight, Blaine."

"I'm full," he says again. "I ate on the plane," he says, averting his eyes.

He feels exposed; he's never been any good at keeping things from Kurt.

Kurt stands and walks over to the counter.

Blaine turns around in his seat, his mind racing. He wasn't sure what to think about this, really. Kurt was everything to him. Why shouldn't he figure Blaine out, help him break down the walls he's built to protect himself?

He shakes his head, as Kurt walks back to the table with a chocolate chip cookie.

"Split it with me?" he asks, eyes pleading, and Blaine wonders again how he figured out what was going on so quickly.

"Kurt, please," he begs, suddenly vulnerable, walls crashing down without warning.

"Blaine..." he says, reaching his hand across the table, and Blaine instinctively brings his hand to the tabletop and grabs Kurt's.

"Your hands are freezing," he says bluntly, "and you keep saying you're okay and... you're not, Blaine."

"How would you know?" Blaine asks, taking his hand out of Kurt's. "We haven't seen each other in months."

Kurt looks at him like he's the one who's shattering, breaking, crashing.

"There's nothing wrong, Kurt," Blaine says, picking up his jacket and walking out of the Lima Bean.

…

He runs that night,— four miles— until he feels like his lungs are on fire. He walks the rest of the way home, trying to keep his mind off of Kurt, off of the numbers on the scale, the numbers that seem to run his entire life.

He showers, thinking only of Kurt, not that it matters, of course, because Kurt won't take him back, he knows that now.

But he isn't sure he would want Kurt back either. Kurt would try to get him to open up, to bare his soul...

He steps on the scale, knowing he would be disappointed with the numbers.

He shakes his head.

It's never enough.

**Reviews would be appreciated!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

What he realizes the day after meeting Kurt at the Lima Bean is that he's getting worse.  
He knows it's bad; he's known from the beginning (not that he did this on purpose).  
It started when he left Kurt, when he got to NYADA and figured out for himself just how hard it is to make it.  
It started with the little things; the snacks and desserts, even the care packages his friends sent him from Ohio.  
It wasn't that he hated his body, really it wasn't.  
But he wasn't good enough, and he knew he didn't have a shot of making it after graduating from NYADA if he didn't make some changes.  
He wanted to be good. No, he wanted to be great. He wanted people to remember his name, to remember him as someone who made it.  
Graduation was only a few weeks away and he had no plans for afterward, aside from moving back to Lima.  
It felt like a huge step backwards.  
He was staying at home for the week; his parents were out of town for the month, his dad was on business and his mom was tagging along.  
He wasn't sure what sort of business trips would take a month (not that his parents would tell him about it) but he was grateful for the privacy all the same.  
Kurt calls him eleven times before he goes to bed that night, stomach empty, but for a tall glass of water.  
He lets it go to voicemail, but refuses to listen to the messages until morning, when he's not as tired, and his mind is more clear.  
He wakes up the next morning more tired than the night before. He yawns and stumbles to the bathroom and steps on the scale after emptying his bladder.  
He isn't sure what to think of the number on the scale, so he walks slowly to the kitchen and puts a slice of bread in the toaster. He cuts the single piece of toast first in halves and then quarters, and then settles on eighths.  
He eats it slowly, as if he's savoring each and every bite, which, he supposes, is true.  
He feels like the motions are robotic at this point, like he's moving on autopilot and he isn't sure what to make of it.  
And then he picks up the phone, breaking routine, and calls Kurt.  
He picks up on the third ring.  
"Blaine?" he asks and Blaine draws a sharp breath.  
"Hi," he says carefully. He's on the verge of tears and suddenly he's back at the Lima Bean breaking in front of the person he trusts more than anything. "Kurt, I need to talk to you," he says, feeling like he's collapsing into oblivion. "Can you come over?" he asks.  
There's silence on the other line and to Blaine, it feels like it lasts an eternity.  
He feels like he's unraveling, letting go of himself, of everything that's comfortable and safe and-  
"Yeah," Kurt tells him. "I'll be right over."

**Reviews would be appreciated! :) **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: The spacing got a little messed up, but I think it worked out better than it did in the last chapter, so apologies for that!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

He paces the living room until he hears the doorbell ring.  
He sighs heavily, walking over. He opens the door, biting his lower lip to keep from crying because he knows what's coming next.

Kurt looks at him sadly. "You want to talk about it?"

And Blaine only nods because he doesn't trust his voice, before breaking down completely. Kurt holds him while he cries, tracing small circles into the other boy's back.

"I can't do it," he mumbles.

"What?" Kurt asks, pulling away from him.

"I can't do it," he repeats. "And it's so _simple_ and I can't do it."

Kurt reaches out, wiping the tears off Blaine's cheeks. "Let's go inside," he suggests.

Blaine nods heavily, as though this is exactly what he was expecting to hear and despite the fact that he hasn't confessed anything yet, he knows Kurt's already figured out what's going on.

He sits down in his father's chair and Kurt takes a seat on the couch. They're both quiet for a minute before Kurt breaks the silence. "What happened?" he asks bluntly.

Blaine shifts uncomfortably in the chair. "Everything," he says simply, as if the single word was enough of an explanation.

Kurt looks up at him, but he doesn't say anything.

"You should go, Kurt," Blaine says and, to Kurt, Blaine sounds like he's lived a thousand lifetimes in the past few months.

"What happened to you?" he asks again.

Blaine looks up, cheeks still tear-stained, but he feels more composed than he has in awhile. "Everything changed," he says, glancing up at the boy he once loved. "Everything _happened_," he says, knowing it doesn't quite make sense. "Everything was changing and I... felt like I had _nothing_. I didn't even have you," he says, his voice breaking.

"You have me now," Kurt says, smiling.

Blaine looks down. "No, Kurt. I can't. You can't do this."

Kurt shakes his head. "Do what?"

Blaine swallows hard. He wants Kurt back so badly that it hurts, but he doesn't want to get back together because of this.

"Kurt, I want you back so badly that it hurts," he says, repeating his inner monologue aloud, clutching his stomach and shaking his head. "But not like this. I don't want you to take me back if this is the only reason you're doing it,"

"Blaine," he says, "I want you back because… because I do," he says breaking into a grin. "Blaine, I'm still in love with you. I never _stopped _being in love with you."

"So you want to get back together because you're still in love with me?" Blaine asks, processing the information slowly.

Kurt nods slowly. "You don't sound too happy about that," he says.

"Not… right now, Kurt. Not until… can we wait until I graduate? And then figure things out?"

He isn't sure what to make of Kurt's expression, but he looks away quickly.

"Blaine, I'm not sure how we managed to, um, get... onto this conversation, but—"

"Kurt, you should go," Blaine interrupts.

"Blaine, you should eat something," he shoots back.

Blaine shakes his head, holding back tears again and he watches Kurt stand.

"What are you doing?" he asks, his voice thick with tears.

Kurt stops, turning around. "I'm going to make us lunch."

Blaine shakes his head, back and forth back and forth. "Please," he whispers. "Please…"

Kurt watches Blaine for a minute before walking into the kitchen.

…

"Your parents won't mind, will they?"

Blaine shrugs. "They don't even know I'm here. I seriously doubt they'll even notice anything's missing when they get back."

Kurt nods. "You haven't even touched your grilled cheese,"

"I'm not hungry," he says.

"Blaine, yes you are," he says gently.

Blaine glances up and picks up one of the halves.

…

It takes him nearly an hour to eat it and—oh, god—the calories, but he plays it off as fine until Kurt leaves.

He closes the door and paces the living room again because he doesn't know what else he _can_ do until it hits him.

He walks slowly up the stairs to the bathroom. He glances down at his hand—his fingers— before kneeling in front of the toilet and getting rid of all of it.

**Hey guys! All of the Favorites and Follows have been fantastic! **

**And Review— those make my day! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

He sails through graduation, holding himself together for that one final walk across the stage before he leaves New York to go back to Lima.

He had tried not to think about how hungry he was, and _goddammit_, when did he start feeling so lightheaded?

He's scraping by on only 300 calories a day, and, as he packs his bags for Lima, he begins thinking about Kurt.

It's not like he hasn't thought about Kurt since he left for New York, but he had told Kurt they would talk when he got back and, what the hell is he going to think now?

After what Blaine started referring to as the Grilled Cheese Incident, he had promised Kurt he would try, _really try_, and where would this leave their relationship?

_No, _he reminds himself. _Not a relationship, but a friendship and nothing more._

A relationship meant more. More time together. More intimacy. More honesty. And Blaine couldn't handle that right now.

He knew he had a problem, really he did, but there was no way he was going to get help. He wasn't there yet.

He wasn't quite sure where he wanted to end up (and it certainly wasn't in a coffin) but he needed to see it for himself that he was good enough; Kurt's word wasn't enough anymore.

He scans his dorm room for anything he may have missed grabbing, and that's when he sees it.

He walks over to the picture of him and Kurt, the one they had taken on their last day together before Kurt had gone off to live his NYADA dream.

He picks it up, his hands shaking, the words on the frame hitting him hard.

_Best friends._

He shakes his head, anger bubbling inside him before he does the only thing he can think of.

He throws the frame across the room, and it shatters against the opposite wall.

He stares at the smashed picture for a minute, thinking he couldn't possibly have done what he just did.

And that's when he breaks.

**A/N: I'm going to be honest, I have next to no idea where this is going. All I really know is that I like writing it and I guess we'll see where it goes.**

**But thank you guys so much for all of the Favorites and Follows! And Review! All of it makes my day!**

**Thanks guys. :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

It's the day after he gets back to Lima that he realizes something is off.

He's staying at his parents' house again; he isn't sure what he's going to do when they get back the following week, but he can't imagine asking Kurt if he can stay over until he figures something else out.

But it's when Burt Hummel knocks on the front door that he figures it all out.

He hasn't seen the older man in months, and he thinks he should be happy to see him but he isn't. He stands at the door, stunned.

It's only when Burt asks if he can come in that the panic sets in.

"Blaine, we need to talk."

Blaine closes the front door slowly and then fiddles with the doorknob because he doesn't know what else to do. "Burt, I... I don't—"

"Blaine," he says again. "Let's sit down."

Blaine shakes his head and a lump forms in his throat but he does what he can to swallow it.

"Kurt talked to me," he starts and Blaine nods, unsuccessfully hiding the fact that he's already crying.

"You've lost a lot of weight, Blaine," he continues, eyeing the younger man.

Blaine sniffles, wrapping his arms around himself protectively.

"You've got to get some help," he says and Blaine can't believe that their conversation lasted all of three minutes and suddenly, he needs to get help.

"Burt, I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Blaine. You're anything _but_ fine at this point."

Blaine takes a shuddering breath. "Burt, this isn't your problem. I'm fine. I can take care of myself."

Burt shakes his head. "Fine then, but I want you to know that Kurt's worried about you. He doesn't think you have much time left if you keep this up, and I'm starting to agree with him. Blaine, you've got so many who care about you here," he says, shaking his head again. "I'm starting to think it wouldn't be a bad idea if you stayed with us for a while."

Blaine shakes his head. "I'm not going anywhere," he says, eyeing Burt cautiously.

"And I can't make you go anywhere," Burt tells him and Blaine's face visibly relaxes. "But I can ask you what happened, how this whole thing started in the first place, can't I?"

"Didn't Kurt tell you that?" Blaine asks coldly.

Burt shakes his head. "Blaine, I'm not playing games. You've got to get some help. You're skin and bone."

Blaine stares hard at the wall. He can't let Burt know that he's thinking about everything that's left, everything he wishes he could just cut clean off, as if done by a knife.

"Burt, you should... You should go."

Blaine watches as Burt shakes his head yet again before standing and walking over to the door. "If you don't think I'm not going to come back tomorrow, Blaine, then you're wrong. What kind of a guy would I be if I let you keep doing this? I may not be able to drive you to where ever you need to go because you're legal, but I can do whatever it takes until you see it for yourself that you need help."

Blaine doesn't answer, but looks down, and Burt walks over to the door.

"I'm not going to die," Blaine says, and watches as Burt pauses, shaking his head, before walking out the door, letting it slam shut.

**A/N: hey guys. Reviews would be appreciated! Just let me know what you think! Thanks.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

Fourteen phone calls. The persistent knocking.

And then seeing him passed out, unconscious.

Shallow breathing. Cold hands. Slow heart rate.

And then the ambulance comes- lights flashing. Sirens blaring.

He panicked, okay?

He closes his eyes, attempting to think straight.

"Kurt?" And then a pause. "What's wrong?"

"Dad, we're on our way to the hospital. I found Blaine passed out and I... panicked," he says, glancing over at the unconscious form of his (ex)boyfriend. "I don't know what happened."

"I'll meet you there," Burt says, and then the line goes dead.

* * *

"He's awake— one visitor at a time for right now."

Kurt looks over at his father, who stands. "Kurt, I've got to talk to him, alright? And then you can see him."

Kurt nods, watching Burt for a minute before leaning his head against the wall behind him.

* * *

"Are you his father?"

Burt turns around, coming face to face with one of Blaine's doctors. "No. Uh...He's my son's boyfriend. His parents threw him out."

"But you're not his legal guardian?"

Burt shrugs. "He's twenty-two. Just graduated from college."

"It doesn't matter how old he is. He needs the help regardless."

"But if he's legal, I can't force him to go, can I?"

"You can if you really need to. If his life is in jeopardy, which it is, then, yes, sometimes you can."

Burt nods. "Inpatient treatment?" he asks, but he already knows the answer.

Blaine's doctor nods. "Sometimes, you don't really have a choice if it's gotten to this point. He's not going to get the help on his own, from what I understand, so I think this is your only shot."

Burt nods, sighing. "Thanks."

He doesn't know quite what to tell Kurt when he gets back to where they were waiting, so he doesn't say anything.

Their drive home is silent, but for a single cough until Kurt clears his throat. "Dad, what's happening?"

Burt glances over. He'd been trying not to think about it.

"Blaine's getting the help he needs," he says and returns his eyes to the road.

**A/N: yeah. I know. This chapter is short, but it progresses the story which is good. :)****  
****And keep on Following, Favoriting and Reviewing!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

The first person to visit him was Burt, much to his displeasure. He did not want to see the older man; he was the reason Blaine was there, after all.

"What are you doing here?" Blaine asks, stopping short in front of Burt.

His tone is not angry, more surprised than anything, if he was being honest with himself; he'd been expecting Kurt.

"He's here too," Burt says and watches as Blaine's face lights up. "I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here, Blaine."

Blaine nods slowly, anger fading slightly at the thought of seeing Kurt. "Thanks Burt," he says, glancing up at him. "One day, I'm sure I'll appreciate this."

Burt chuckles. "You will," he says. "This is saving your life, you know that, right?"

Blaine glances down toward his feet. "I guess," he says.

Burt looks at Blaine for another minute before walking out.

"You're leaving?"

"Your boyfriend's waiting for me to leave so he can have you to himself for a little while."

Blaine laughs, shaking his head. "Thanks Burt," he says again.

* * *

"Blaine?"

"Kurt!" he says excitedly.

Kurt walks over to him. "You're in a good mood."

Blaine shrugs, hugging him. "It's good to see you, Kurt," he says.

"You hated me a week ago."

He shrugs again. "Things change."

Kurt nods uncomfortably.

"I heard you were the one to find me when I passed out," he says awkwardly.

Kurt nods. "I thought you were dead when I got there. I really thought I'd lost you," Kurt continues, his eyes wandering back up to Blaine's face. "But... um... I called an ambulance when I saw that you weren't. Dead, I mean."

Blaine nods. "Why were you coming to to see me anyways?"

Kurt looks at him for a second, blinks twice. "I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to... ask why you wouldn't take me back."

Blaine laughs harshly. "Didn't you already know why I wouldn't take you back? I needed to be alone, couldn't risk you finding out... about this."

"Blaine, I already knew. I told my Dad, remember?"

Blaine nods slowly. "Right. Yeah. I forgot about that."

Kurt bites his lip. "Blaine, do you want me to go?"

Blaine nods. "I just need some time, okay?"

"You've been here for almost two weeks," Kurt comments and Blaine flinches at his words.

"Let me get out of here first. Then we can talk about this. Right now, I've got to get better and then we can work on our relationship. Deal?" he asks, smiling slightly.

Kurt tilts his head to the side. "You sound like you're doing better, Blaine."

He sighs in return. "Progress," he says. "And, yes, I'm getting better, but it's... it's not easy."

"It's not supposed to be. If it was, we wouldn't be in this situation, now would we?"

Blaine opens his mouth and the closes it again.

"What?"

"Kurt, it isn't a joke. It isn't funny. Nothing about this is funny."

"I never said it was," he shoots back.

"I'm sorry..." Blaine says, closing his eyes. "I'm defensive... about it."

Kurt nods. "Blaine, I'm gonna go," Kurt says, standing up. "Oh, and you've got yourself a deal, just so you know," he adds.

"Deal? About what?"

"You said it earlier. We'll work everything out between you and me when you come home."

"Kurt," he says, his eyebrows cinching together, "I don't have a home right now."

"Yes, you do. With us. You think my Dad would let you go back to your parents?"

Blaine shakes his head.

"I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay," Blaine says, grinning as Kurt turns to leave.

**A/N: I think this chapter cleared a few things up.****  
**

******Let me know what you think! Thanks guys.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

He's sitting in a chair across from his therapist. He stares out the window, thinking about the following day, the day he finally gets to leave.

"So, you're going home tomorrow," Dr. Brown says.

Blaine turns in his seat. "You could say that," he replies, his voice monotone. "It's not exactly home, but it's the only place I have, really."

"And where is that?" she asks and Blaine sighs.

"It's complicated," he says.

"How is it complicated?"

"He's my ex-boyfriend's," he says, playing with his hands, doing what he can to avoid eye contact. "And... we said we were going to talk about our relationship when I got out of here."

She nods slowly. "When was the last time you saw him?" she questions.

"He came to visit me last week," he answers, "and we said we would talk about... us... when I leave," he reiterates.

"What do you think about it, Blaine? Do you think it'll be good for the two of you to reconnect?"

He shrugs. "I guess. Um..." he cringes slightly. "He was the one who found me. He's… so close to all of this, to everything going on. I don't know," he says, shaking his head.

"He knows you, Blaine," she says gently. "He's seen you at your very weakest from what you've said. Maybe that's a good thing."

He shakes his head. "But what if it isn't?" he asks. "He's everything to me," he continues, his voice cracking. "I can't lose him because of this. Because of what he saw."

"Don't you think he might be thinking the same thing about you?" she asks him.

He licks his lips. "He saw me, and for all I know, he thought I was dead. How is that forgivable? I did it to myself."

"So, that's what you're worried about," she comments. "You're worried that he won't take you back...  
when you get out because of what he saw. Blaine, this illness isn't your fault."

He cringes again. "Can you not call it an illness?"

"Would it be better if we called it anorexia?"

He shakes his head. "No, definitely not that," he says quietly.

There's silence for a minute, Blaine thinking only of how much he hates his current predicament.

"I... wouldn't get help," he continues. "Kurt was all over me, trying to help, and I refused it over and over again."

She smiles. "But that wasn't really your fault, Blaine. You have to know that."

He nods slowly again. "I know. I mean, I guess I do. I just... I feel bad about it, about all of it."

"But do you think he's going to forgive you about this?"

He shrugs. "I hope so. I mean, I think he would."

"Blaine, you may not think he understands what's going on and… I don't know how much he knows about what's going on, but I think you should give it a chance. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but, if he makes you happy and he feels the same way… it's not your fault that this is happening," she says.

"I know. You already said that. Twice," he says more harshly than he intended to.

"I'm just saying that people can surprise you, Blaine," she tells him, shrugging.

And he turns back to the window.

**A/N: Hmmmm… I have no idea what to think about this one. It took me forever to get it going.**

**Review! **

**Thanks guys.**


End file.
